Carol A. Boyer, MA, LPC, NCC - 50 Church Street, Suite L3, Montclair, NJ  07042
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Avoiding the "Trap of Couplehood"
Self vs Role
Personal Growth (continued)
Denial of Self vs Personal Growth
Ownership vs Undependent Living (continued)

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Marriage

Ownership vs Undependent Living (continued)

February 19, 2014
 
In my last post, I started a discussion contrasting “ownership” of our partners, with “undependent living.”  (SeeOpen Marriage, in my list of references.) Since this can be a challenging idea to embrace, I wanted to expand on it a little. 
 
When we talk about ownership, we don’t mean it literally, of course.  But in our marriages and other long-term relationships, we often behave in ways that look a little bit like ownership. 
 
Free time is a great example.

Ownership vs Undependent Living


January 13, 2014
 
Good relationships aren’t easy.  Goodlong-termrelationships (whether marriage or something less formal) are especially difficult, because we demand so much from them over such a long period of time.  Paradoxically, researchers have found that good relationships, including marriages, do best when expectations arehigh, not when they’re low.  But if that’s true, why is marriage, as an institution, floundering?
 
Two reasons: first, we expect way too much; but perhaps more importantly, we’re expecting the

Love & marriage - strange bedfellows


December 17, 2013

Last post, we all had a good little laugh about the rules of courtly love.  But as silly as they look to us, they were taken very seriously at the time (the time, of course, being the Middle Ages).  However, we must remember that these were the rules of agame– albeit a very elaborate one – that was designed to NOT interfere with the sanctity of marriage. 
 
How’s that again? Asking and giving of ladies’ “tokens” (usually a scarf or handkerchief), singing of love songs, and outrageous flirting…all with someone else’s spouse?

Marriage madness from the Middle Ages


December 9, 2013

So, here we are, trying to figure out the rules for modern marriage…but where to start? 

Well, before we start making up new rules, let’s take a look at the source of some of the old ones. To do that, we have to go back to the Middle Ages.  Yep. I’m serious.  TheMiddle Ages.

In the Middle Ages, the ruling classes spent a lot of time “at court,” that is, staying in and around the palace of the king.  And with not a lot to do (especially during the winter), the nobles made up the game of “Courtly Love” to keep themselves amused.

What is "traditional" marriage?

 
November 25, 2013
 
As I said at the end of my last post, traditionally, marriage was more about what youdothan who youare
 
It may sound a bit strange to us, but for many hundreds of years, husbands and wives were partners in a professional and financial sense, rather than in the romantic sense.  And because they knew their survival depended upon each other in a very literal way, they had to make sure that each of them had the necessary skills to make their partnership work – and I do mean

Why do we marry?

November 4, 2013
 
This week’s post begins with a small “housekeeping” note: I’m going to start a running list of resources at the end of this blog.  The list will be alphabetical, and I’ll just keep adding to it as I use more references. None of it is required reading (although much of it is very interesting); it’s just a list of a few of the works that have informed my thinking on the subject of relationships.
 
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming!
 
I ended my last post on a somewhat provocative note, asking, “Do we still marry for dynastic reasons?
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